lagilman | "at that point I had the right to remain silent...but I did not have the ability." (Ron White)

So. Me and

debg were talking, the way we do, and she makes a reference to a line that jogs a memory..... and I figured, why should I be the only one who suffers?

Ladies, gentlemen, and fellow writers, with full apologies ahead of time, I give you the slightly updated version of:

“Number One on the New York Times”

[Spoken:]
Ha ha ha I don't believe it.
Da, da, ah, ooh, don't touch me.
Hey, Ray! Hey, Annie!*
Tell them who we are.

[Sung:]
Well, we're big book writers, we got golden fingers.
And we're loved everywhere we go.
(That sounds like us.)
We write about beauty, and we write with a hook,
Fifty thousand dollars a book. (Right.)
We plot out fast-moving chills,
That give you all kind of thrills.
But the thrill we've never known,
Is the thrill that'll gitcha,
When you get your bestsellah,
Number one on The New York Times.

(New York Times) Wanna see my brand new cover.
(Times) Wanna buy five copies for my mother. (Yes.)
(Times) Wanna see my brand new cover,
Number One on the New York Times.

(That's a very, very good idea.)

I got a hard workin’ agent name a-Dealin’ Jenny,
Who’s sellin’ me overseas
I got me a publicist who’s scary,
Getting out my name
Now it's all designed to blow our minds,
But our minds won't really be blown.
Like the blow that'll gitcha,
When you get your bestsellah,
Number One on the New York Times.

(New York Times) Wanna see my brand new cover.
(Times) Wanna buy five copies for my mother. (Yes.)
(Times) Wanna see my brand new cover,
Number One on the New York Times.

[Spoken:]
Hey, I know how. Sparkly vampires!

[cue cash register sounds.]

(Ah, that's beautiful.)

We got a lot of little teenage cosplay groupies,
Who buy anything we write.
We got a hotshot Hollywood producer,
Who's getting us in and tight.
We got all the friends that money can buy,
So we never have to be alone. (No.)
And we keep gettin' richer,
But we can't get our bestseller,
Number One on the New York Times.

(New York Times) Wanna see my brand new cover.
(Times) Wanna buy five copies for my mother. (Yes.)
(Times.) Wanna see my brand new cover,
Number One on the New York Times.

(I don't know why we ain't number one, baby.)
(Times.) Wanna buy five copies for my mother
(We're hardworkin’ writers.)
(Times.) Wanna see my brand-new cover,
(I ain't kiddin' ya, it would be a beautiful cover.)
Number one on the New York Times
(Number one, right up top, man.)
(I can see it now, we'll be up in the front,)
(Smilin man, ohh, beautiful.)

mangled lyrics © Laura Anne Gilman, 2009
original COVER OF THE ROLLING STONE lyrics written by Teh Awesome Shel Silverstein
Performed by: Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show-1972

EtA: for those of you too young or too cultured to know the original: http://www.last.fm/music/Dr.+Hook/_/The+Cover+of+the+Rolling+Stone
EtA2: I have now earwigged myself something fierce. See what I will do for y'all?

* Ray Feist &Anne McCaffrey, as the first two genre bestsellers who came to my mind and whose names scanned properly

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

barbhendee.livejournal.com

This is awesome!

Bahahahahahahahahahaha!

I spit out my coffee when I hit "sparkly vampires." After all . . . a writer can never throw in enough sparkly vampires--or pirates. Gotta have the pirates.

mearn4d10.livejournal.com

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