On Writing: The External Validation Ghoul

[lagilman]

Every now and then I fall prey to the External Validation Ghoul.

That's my not-so-affectionate term for the Thing that sits on your chest at 4 in the morning and tells you that you’re only as good as your last sale/review/promotion, and if there’s nothing in the pipeline you’re likewise not worth anything.

Of course that's crazy. Especially since the Ghoul can and often does hit days after a major external validation score, because the Ghoul expects you to be All Peak, All The Time. It has nothing to do with how good a writer you are, or how happy you are with how things are going -- it's all about impressions. About career. About survival. If you're not at the top, then where are you?

(I suspect performers have this even worse than writers. Scratch any recording artist and you'll find a gibbering EVG scanning the charts anxiously...)

In a perfect world, your editor and your agent will rush to your side at your first yelp, and show you all the hard cold facts why the Ghoul is mistaken. Mostly, though, we keep quiet about the EVG. Who wants to admit that they're insecure?

*raises hand.* I'll take one for the team. "Hi, my name is Laura Anne, and I'm covinced that at any moment this unglamorous but fabulous life's going to be revealed as a mistake, everything will go out of print immediately, and I'll be working midnight shift at KMart* for the rest of my life."

Mostly I can talk myself out from under the Ghoul by looking back over the last few weeks of LJ and pointing out how many good days I have in an average month, either sales or solid writing days, or positive feedback, and the Ghoul is fed and goes away. Other people have different ways of dealing, but it all comes down to saying "Am too! See!" But sometimes that doesn’t work, and you spend all day thinking that everyone else is having A Better Life®, and what the hell can you do to kick it up a notch?

The answer is: not much. You work, and you get your stuff out there, and you hope and maybe you even pray, and you kvetch with other people and discover that they too have ghouls who whisper to them about how swell your life is, and how they’ll never match that, and after a while, and some rueful laughter, the Ghoul fades. A little.

That damned EVG is omnipresent, though, even in the best moments. And after a while you learn to work with it, to use it as a spur in the slow moments, and a knife-target in the bad ones. And recognize that so long as you're aware of what the EVG is -- a natural and reasonable concern, magnified by the fickle nature of this profession and our own insecurities -- it can't eat you.

Deadlines, though? Deadlines will eat you. But that's another ramble.




*Does KMart offer health insurance to its workers? Maybe I should look into that...

Comments

[nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com]

I hate that stupid Ghoul. I feel like I hear from him every day!

[lagilman]

I think he knows you from your work in the video store... I bet he doesn't return dvds on time, either!

[nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com]

Who does? You'd think it's like one of the 12 tasks of Hercules.

[sfmarty.livejournal.com]

I think Costco offers health insurance (but really you don't need it)

pet, pet, soothe,,,, you are doing fine.

[lagilman]

Oh, the EVG doesn't care how you're doing long-term; he's all about the paranoia Right Now. Rude bastid.

(and hey, if a publisher wants to offer health care as an escalator to a contract instead of cash, I'd be willing to discuss it!)

[difrancis.livejournal.com]

Yes. Exactly. Is it just one Ghoul for all of us though or an army of them? Hmmm.

Di

[deannahoak.livejournal.com]

I hate that ghoul. He's constantly bullying my sweet little Internal Validation Soul. :P

[chickwriter.livejournal.com]

I was just trying to explain this to a non-writer friend as I angst over an essay I just turned in. "Is it good enough, omg, it sucks, I'm a crap writer". She didn't get why I was so anxious.

I think I shall point my friend in the direction of your post. :)

Writing: the profession that keeps on making us nuts.

[isabeau.livejournal.com]

...you know, it's kind of reassuring that I'm not the only one being eaten pestered by the EVG (which didn't have a name until now, but, uh, does now.)

It's also kind of *not* reassuring, since it means that it won't go away if I ever get published (i.e. it's not just a "you haven't been published yet" ghoul, it's an omnipresent writer's companion), but then again, um... I had some way to finish up this comment, but it dribbled out my ears or something.

[lagilman]

Nope. The EVG cares not a whit about what you've already accomplished, he's all about the What Now? That's why he's so dangerous/annoying.

[claireeddy.livejournal.com]

I think everyone who is a creator (or those of us who help the creative process along) has this beastie. I do like the name though.

--claire (who tries not to listen to the monster when it whispers in her ear)

[miintikwa.livejournal.com]

Oh, drat, you mean it doesn't ever go away?

Pooh. It should.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

Heh. That ghoul gets a YA of his very own if I ever get around to writing it. It's been titled "Demons Will Whisper" for about 10 years now.

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith.livejournal.com]

I never doubt my self-worth or my skill in general; sometimes I'm uncertain whether I can pull off a specific technique. I do worry about whether the society I'm living in has enough appreciation of the things I do well to provide me with a reasonable living in exchange for my work. I'm currently making more as a wordsmith than I could likely make on the mundane job market; it's not a living, but neither are most of the jobs near where I live. This does not make me think less of myself, but it often makes me think less of society.

[wbm.livejournal.com]

EVG. Thank-you for putting a name to my eternal nemesis, not only in creativity, but in

LIFE!

Itself?

ITSELF!