A long time ago in a country far away...
May. 26th, 2007 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lagilmanWhile sorting and tossing a bunch of old files this weekend, I came across a letter that I had written many many years ago (1996, to be exact). A business letter, specifically. Of the sort that you write, and maybe show to a co-worker, and then toss and write the 'real' letter.
I hereby share it with you, names and specifics deleted.
'Dear (asshole),
As per our discussion today, we think you're scum. Scum, I say. Shallow, hollow, tanned Hollywood scum. And you're a liar. We don't believe a thing that comes out of your mouth. And we're not buying it. Not you, nor your project.
So there.
However, should you discover that you have the balls to go back to (more assholes), here is our offer once again:
(details of a pretty damn fair offer deleted). As you requested, we've adjusted our schedule (making ourselves miserable in the process) to make sure that your beloved piece of best-selling drek is published prior to (date), even though we know damn well you'll change it a month before publication and not tell us. Again.
However, we're going to stand firm on the royalty situation. You see, although we could pay the insulting-even-by-our-standards royalty rate you requested, doing so would leave us with nothing to entice a decent writer with. And since you've already alienated the writer we had on the project, we need that carrot to obviate the stick (look it up in the dictionary. You might have one somewhere in your office. Or try a bookstore. You know what a bookstore is, don't you?) Anyway, we're going to have to stand firm on that element.'
At this point, my boss came in and started reading over my shoulder, and laughed so hard we had to leave the office and go for lunch to calm down, so the rest remained unwritten. Alas.
Between this, and the later PaperGate incident (don't ask, it's too hot to make me froth and swear), it was mutually agreed I not talk to Hollywood any more. And everyone (except![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dianora2 who got stuck with the job) was much happier.
God, that letter brings back memories. How I managed not to kill anyone in that job is still a mystery....
I hereby share it with you, names and specifics deleted.
'Dear (asshole),
As per our discussion today, we think you're scum. Scum, I say. Shallow, hollow, tanned Hollywood scum. And you're a liar. We don't believe a thing that comes out of your mouth. And we're not buying it. Not you, nor your project.
So there.
However, should you discover that you have the balls to go back to (more assholes), here is our offer once again:
(details of a pretty damn fair offer deleted). As you requested, we've adjusted our schedule (making ourselves miserable in the process) to make sure that your beloved piece of best-selling drek is published prior to (date), even though we know damn well you'll change it a month before publication and not tell us. Again.
However, we're going to stand firm on the royalty situation. You see, although we could pay the insulting-even-by-our-standards royalty rate you requested, doing so would leave us with nothing to entice a decent writer with. And since you've already alienated the writer we had on the project, we need that carrot to obviate the stick (look it up in the dictionary. You might have one somewhere in your office. Or try a bookstore. You know what a bookstore is, don't you?) Anyway, we're going to have to stand firm on that element.'
At this point, my boss came in and started reading over my shoulder, and laughed so hard we had to leave the office and go for lunch to calm down, so the rest remained unwritten. Alas.
Between this, and the later PaperGate incident (don't ask, it's too hot to make me froth and swear), it was mutually agreed I not talk to Hollywood any more. And everyone (except
dianora2 who got stuck with the job) was much happier.God, that letter brings back memories. How I managed not to kill anyone in that job is still a mystery....
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2007-05-26 05:20 pm (UTC)I need to find
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Date: 2007-05-27 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-26 05:30 pm (UTC)I really like the shallow, tanned, Hollywood scum, though.
Di
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Date: 2007-05-27 12:26 am (UTC)He eventually caved and accepted our offer, I'm pleased to say.
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Date: 2007-05-26 09:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-27 12:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-27 02:58 pm (UTC)Indeed. A few years ago a reporter at the newspaper I used to work at got fired for an article he wrote in "fun" and left on the mainframe. The rocket-scientist editor then picked up the article, didn't bother to look at it, and put it in the paper. It was a sports article, about an eleven-year-old soccer player, and the reporter thought it would be funny to describe sexual acts and such in this context. The little boy ended up practically owning the newspaper.
Some people are living proof that the average IQ really is 100.
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Date: 2007-05-27 02:50 pm (UTC)Was that he of the gelatinous dress?
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Date: 2007-05-27 03:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-05-27 04:38 pm (UTC)This is very scary....
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Date: 2007-05-27 05:41 pm (UTC)writeranauthora person signed to write a book whose grasp of the English language was....not equal to the task. We're pretty sure he meant 'diaphanous.'This was not his greatest sin, although much was forgiven because he managed to reduce my then-boss (SA) to gasping hysterics of horror at one point. Watching her read the manucript (and then the revisions) beame a bit of a spectator sport in the office. And no, I'm not gonig to name names except to say the individual is not, to the best of my knowledge, currently in print.