mindfulness

[lagilman]

Today's been interesting: I've found a not-unexpected but unanticipated breaking point in what I will put up with in social relationships. To wit: if you hurt someone, you own it, you accept it. You don't blame other people for being hurt by your words or actions. End. Of. Story. And the end of my making excuses or putting up with anyone indulging in that behavior.

Watching this go down, I'm reminded of my own tendency to become defensive when called out - and the work I put into breathing through it, forcing myself through that defensiveness, to see things in a larger, more distant scale. I've come a long way; I need to go further.  Today was a good reminder of why I do that work.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

That strikes me as very reasonable. I find myself unreasonably annoyed by people who shift blame in the way you describe, or use the 'but I have special circumstances' excuse in one of its forms. I'm not always very nice and I'm aware that I notice who dies this and remember and it counts against them in my head.
You are always honourable in your dealings with others, which is one of the many reasons I like and admire you!

[lagilman]

I am very much NOT nice. I try to be kind, however, and this sometimes makes it difficult for me to pull the long knives needed to tell someone to GTF over themselves and listen to what they're saying. I just retreat from them, instead.

(which is, in part, self-care: if someone is oblivious to their tone, and oblivious to how they hurt others, than that is not someone I need to be in proximity to.)

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

So much this!

[lagilman]

relevant to the discussion, this came out in conversation on body-policing tonight:

"I'm not a good person. I'm lazy! Policing people is hard work, and I don't want to do it."

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I like!

[calendula-witch.livejournal.com]

Mr. Husband Man and I were just discussing this very particular thing this morning, and I mentioned you as an example--the positive counter-example, in fact, as someone who has strong and smart opinions about things, and shares those opinions, and yet manages to remain caring and honest and decent and (well) empathetic.

[lagilman]

It is, as I said, a work in progress. Probably not helped by being the baby in the family, and therefore used to having to defend my opinions constantly... it takes a while to realize that how you interact with siblings is not always needed (or useful) in the rest of the world.