a question about sex

[lagilman]

And you can log out and come back and answer this as Anon, if you prefer. Looking for general feedback, not incriminating information. *grin*



the topic: Having sex with someone you didn't find physically appealing.


I believe that the above-stated action is overwhelmingly a guy thing. My male correspondent disagrees, claiming that women do it all the time, too.


Your opinion?

Comments

[nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com]

I figure everyone I've had sex with must have been physically appealing to me in some way. Sure, I'm attracted to people's minds, too, but I doubt I would sleep with them if I weren't also attracted somehow to the way they look.

[(Anonymous)]

Dunno about all the time. I would doubt it was as common.

Once, yes. AKA the Social Awkwardness [insert act here]. Easier to do than to put up with the sulking when I had no ride home, my SO was incommunicado in another room with his SO, and it was 3 a.m. That was the theory, anyway.

Never again. Bleah.

Also? Gotta say I wish guys embarking on this would have the sense not to say so to the prospective partner. "Hey, I could ingest this controlled substance so I can overlook your lack of attractiveness?" not the effective line that you'd think.

[(Anonymous)]

Women definitely do it. The trick is that something else about that person must be attractive: brains, sense of humor, generosity--something. I also think that though the first time with that not-physically-attractive person may be awkward, once you've done the deed and see what skills and personal characteristics they bring to the table (for example, do they take the whole thing far too seriously or can they laugh in the moment), the attraction can grow.

If you're talking about recreational, one-night sex, it's not worth doing unless the other person is physically attractive.

And there should be a law against pity sex. Really.

[lagilman]

Hrm. That attraction would lead to eventually the subject of affection becoming attractive, no? Which changes the dynamics more than a little (i.e. "not my type, but..." as opposed to "not appealing to me")

[aynjel.livejournal.com]

And I think it's that "not my type physically, but..." thing that happens (though in my experience, it's not only women who do this, or only men, and perhaps that's just the way the people are in one of the social circles I inhabit), where "but..." is genericaly, "but there's something else about him/her that's really really attractive". But that's really more of a long-term little-r-relationship thing turning into something else (friends with priveledges, for example), rather than a one-night-stand-with-someone-I've-just-met.

In my case, there's got to be something that my brain/heart clicks on as attractive in some way. Mostly because I'm not really into casual meaningless sex with people I don't really know and am unlikely to get to know. I'd much rather have "casual meaningless sex" with people I already know and like, which means there's likely going to be more time for something to click as attractive, for that "s/he isn't my type, but..." thing to happen (and for things to go the other way, too... i.e., "s/he's really nice to look at but, ugh...").

Must now find caffeine...

as a point of info...

[lagilman]

If you're going to be Anon, can you at least indicate male or female? Undermines the already totally unscientific survey, otherwise

Thanks.

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

I've slept with a couple of people whom I didn't find physically appealing (once on each occasion). I think people of both sexes do it for many reasons: loneliness, need, despair, hurt, pity, sudden drunken desperation, because they think it might be fun, a need for contact in an overwhelmingly foreign place - all manner of reasons, whether good or not. I've never done this myself, but I have several friends who have slept with someone because they feel it's expected of them, or because they've gone too far for it to be polite to change their minds ('no' not always meaning 'no', for sure. It may not be ideologically correct, but this is fragile human nature, not ideology).

[seainni.livejournal.com]

My experience has been that in any relationship, if one has made any sort of emotional connection at all, the other person becomes attractive, even if they weren't initially--the emotional connection creates a change in how you physically look at the person. So it's hard to imagine getting to the point of having sex within a relationship while still finding the other person unattractive.

A one night stand or a deliberate fling--sex with someone who is more or less a stranger--might be different.

[dianora2.livejournal.com]

I think that you can make that generalization, yes, keeping in mind there are exceptions. I suspect that for women there has to be *something* there that they find attractive, whereas for men it's easier to regard the woman as a convenient piece of equipment. Doesn't mean there aren't folks from both gender who prove that wrong.

There's gotta be something there for me, or else it's just kinda gross.

[liuseth.livejournal.com]

then there's the, i've been so long (years) without any kind of affection, OMG and this guy is paying attention to me, he's paying A LOT of attention to me and thinks i'm sexy, maybe i'll just close my eyes.

SO yeh i think with most women, it boils down to some other factor that the man has got other than attractiveness that can tip the balance in his favour.
(In the end i couldn't go 'all the way' because i felt awful that i was using him as an ego boost. But i'm sure there are women out there who can if they get lonely or desperate enough for SOME sort of affection.)

[butterflykiki.livejournal.com]

Way way way a guy thing. Although perhaps the rather exacting line between "attractive" and "unattractive" is a little more forgiving for women? I'd sleep with someone I cared about very much even if physically they weren't ideal. I'm not sure guys would need to care first.

But sleep with someone I found unattractive and who I didn't care about? Why, God, why? Few women I know are *that* desperate and horny. Guys have lower standards, if this guy says that's the norm for them.

[mccalix.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised that this would be considered "a guy thing", as I'd always heard that men were much more visually oriented than women.

Personally, I agree with most of the other comments - there has to be some form of attraction - mind, personality, etc. When you genuinely care for the other person, they can become physically attractive, even where there was no attraction at the start.

But no, I wouldn't have sex with someone that I didn't find attractive in some way. Of course, due to a catholic upbringing, I'm probably a bit prudish, and wouldn't have sex with a woman that I didn't know well and care about. And by that point, physical attraction, or lack thereof is far outweighed by all the things that make me care about her in the first place.

[tina-jens.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's overwhelmingly a guy thing, for many of the reasons stated above.

Power, success & talent are very, very sexy things.

Of all the guys I dated or lusted after, only one was classic drop dead gorgeous, and that attraction was very short lived. (Good thing - he later came out of the closet.)

None of the others would make the top 10 list of cutest guys in the room, and at least 2 would hit the [shriek!] "How could you be attracted to someone as ugly as that?" mark.

For me, physical attributes were always a distant third, or fourth, or fifth, in importance.

If they had already turned me on through their other qualities -- talent, success, sense of humor, power, charm, dedication to an important humanitarian or political cause -- they became physically attractive to my eyes, even if everyone else in the room would look at them and say, "ick".

My husband is not ugly or unattractive by anyone's definition. (His picture's on the website - you be the judge.) But, I don't think anyone but me would think he's the cutest guy in a crowded room.

I have a solid example of how sincere I am about this: If given the choice of sex with Brandon Fraiser, Brad Pitt, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas or Keith Richards? I'd pick Keith Richards in a heartbeat.

- He's one of the best guitarists rock music has ever seen (yes, I know he usually plays rhythm guitar)
- His opening licks on songs like "Tumbling Dice," will, in the space of about 5 notes, make my insides start to melt
- His collaborative work with Jagger is astounding
- His past adventures, the absolute comfort he has in his own skin (watch him play - he makes everybody else look like they're aliens trying to manipulate a body they aren't familiar with)
- His exploration of the music of other cultures (see the album WINGLESS ANGELS)
- His sense of dress and style...

THAT is sexy.

[lagilman]

Except you just said --

"If they had already turned me on through their other qualities -- talent, success, sense of humor, power, charm, dedication to an important humanitarian or political cause -- they became physically attractive to my eyes,"


The original question still stands.

[algor.livejournal.com]

I think there's a rather dark element that people don't like to attribute to themselves, but that sometimes comes into play in these situations and that's power and cruelty.

I will admit, in my young, wild twenties, I'd go after a girl just to prove that I could get her, and I've known girls who've done the same. Often it would be girlfriends of someone I didn't like (or even worse, of someone I did like), or girls that just pissed me off at some point. It wasn't about attraction or affection, but purely about getting them to do what I wanted them to do...and making them think that's what they wanted.

But that was long ago and far away.

There's also need. Sometimes, you just need someone.

[kalligraphy.livejournal.com]

I hate to say women or men or people always do X becuase there are exceptions to every rule. So speaking in generalities, I think men are more likely to sleep with someone they are not attracted to than women. Many men really just want to get laid, but a good chunk of the female population want to have some form of attraction. I think for most women, sex means more than just pleasure, but for a lot of men, the pleasure is the thing. Generally you wouldn't want to sleep with that type of guy anyway.

[(Anonymous)]

(from a female)

I think that mean are more likely to sleep w/a woman who (in their mind) isn't their physical ideal, b/c men put more emphasis upon that.. But women are more likely to compromise that way, because, in all current societies, women's looks are more emphasized for their importance.. Very few are the men whose physical appearance would generally qualify as "beautiful."
On the other hand, if you are attracted to other things about a person, that doesn't make them necessarily look more attractive.. you just close your eyes!!
This could be harder to maintain in longer-term situations.. (I'm speaking from personal experience here).. but then, if you decide that you don't like somebody's personality, well, then the relationship needs to be stopped immediately, no matter how model-gorgeous they are!!

But then, I would say that there's something attractive about everyone who is female.. usually enough to think of her as "attractive enough" if you're sleeping with her..

Wouldn't be able to say that about most men..

(Don't know that this lends any enlightenment

anon..