Lies I tell myself

[lagilman]

Many years ago, I wrote "Apparent Horizon," a short SF story about a man who is coming to terms with the fact that he has made a terrible career mistake, and fixing it will tear him apart. It wasn't until I read the final, published version several years later that I realized my subconscious, at least, had already been aware that my marriage was in trouble, and that something had to give. In retrospect, of course, the story is obvious... but only in retrospect, and only to me. To other people it means other things, depending on where they are in their own lives (a peer, on reading it, said it reminded her of John LeCarre's work, which is still one of my all-time favorite feedback comments).

By contrast, many years later, the opening line to "apple: not a fairy tale" came to me the morning after a relationship had ended, and I knew that it would be me working my way through my feelings... but it wasn't for another three years after that that I realized what the story was actually telling me. And it wasn't what I'd thought it was, originally.

All this ties into a conversation I was having with my mom (who is also one of The Vineart War's beta-readers) about Book 3, and where it's going, and how I suddenly realized, just this week, what it's all about, thematically.

"I didn't know, until X fell into place. And then it was all "oh. duh. of course..." It's all there in the first two books, so my hindbrain knew; it just didn't see any reason to burden the forebrain with that knowledge. Keeping me out of my own way, as it were.

"You never know what the story's about, until you can step back from it," I said. "When you're too close, it's like an Impressionist painting, or Pointilism... all tiny dots and smears of color. You have to pace back and see it all at once, with distance between, for it to come into focus."

The thing is, if you try to step forward for detail work, and step back for the big picture at the same time, your brain falls over and like the millipede asked how it walks.. well, suddenly it can't. So your brain tucks that knowledge away and tells you comforting lies about knowing exactly where you're going, while you work on the line-by-line crafting.

And on that note:

It's 100k words to draft, I got a full pot of coffee, 10 pages of outline, my back to the window, and I'm wearing a wristbrace...

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I realised a while back that almost everything I write is about water - about things drowning, being overwhelmed, being dried out, being deprived. Which can look too much like my subconscious working out stuff from my past sometimes. Writing is full of twists and shadows sometimes.

[jaylake.livejournal.com]

Yep. My subconscious is often much smarter than I am. Both about craft and about life.

[mtlawson.livejournal.com]

"You never know what the story's about, until you can step back from it," I said. "When you're too close, it's like an Impressionist painting, or Pointilism... all tiny dots and smears of color. You have to pace back and see it all at once, with distance between, for it to come into focus."

This.

This is a great line, Laura Anne. You need to put that on your sidebar.

[lagilman]

I'm going to run out of sidebar! :-)

[mtlawson.livejournal.com]

That's a good problem to have, you know.

I kind of posted a "hey, check this quote out" for this post, so you might get some minimal visibility. ;-)

[kradical.livejournal.com]

No specific comment, just: yeah. Yeah.

[sinboy.livejournal.com]

... It's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.

Hit it.

[out-totheblack.livejournal.com]

LOL, you so stole my line.

[out-totheblack.livejournal.com]

I am noticing that I have colors, colors, everywhere. I'm not sure what that says about me, though.

[irismoonlight.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'm adding this to memories because I feel so STUPID when I'm revising that I didn't see or even know what themes I was working with, or realize the themes I THOUGHT I was working with actually are bound together under a different overarching theme that would be much clearer if I excised a few of the so-called intentional ones.

I find it incredibly frustrating, mostly because I thought it was all me being dumb/inexperienced/raw. The pointilism reference really, really, helps. Thank you.

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't worry about it - I have little or no interest in the current themes in my work, because much of one's life can only be assessed from the standpoint of years, and trying to examine something from too short a perspective can break it. Which is really just a clunkier way of saying what Laura Anne's already said. Look at it from another decade down the line and it will have changed again.

It is also entirely possible that oneself is never the best person to assess one's own work in any case - if humans were fluent in objectivity, we wouldn't have so great a call for therapists.

[lagilman]

This is why we revise. Because once it's done, we have an idea what it's all about.

[burger-eater.livejournal.com]

I find themes to be incredibly intrusive. I can rarely get all the way through a first draft without suddenly have a "This story is about X!" moment.

Very annoying.

And a little helpful, too.