In which I am brutal but not unsympathetic

[lagilman]

The following is a rant that may push some buttons. I apologize for that ahead of time.
---
I know. Holidays suck. Even if everything else is going really well, and you happen to love winter, the stress of an entire month of media-enhanced Happy, Damnit! can make Mary Poppins snappish. And if it's been a tough year, and you're feeling neither holly nor jolly, December can be Hell.

Been there, gone through that.

So snarl at Santa. Bah the humbug. Ignore the bright ads and the jingly music. Don't apologize to anyone for 'spoiling their mood' - if they care about you, they will understand. And if not? Fuck 'em. Life's too important to spend it worrying about false friends. So hunker down with whatever or whoever gets you through the blahs, one hour at a time, until the hour comes that it's a little bit better, and then a little bit more, until you're in the home stretch and things really are better.

And if not? If you've done all the right things and life is still bleak and painful, too hopeless to move forward even one hour more? If the thought of those you love -- and who love you -- isn't enough to keep you tethered? I believe that it's your life. Your right to choose. It wasn't my choice, but it's not my life. Only you can decide. I would hope that you have a hand (or paw, or dream, or whatever) to hold onto, that will be enough to keep you here. I tell you from experience that all pain fades after a while, even the ones you think will kill you.

But if you do decide to shuffle off this mortal coil? Three rules:

1. Call the cops and arrange for them find the scene. Nobody else.
2. Make the decision for yourself. You have no right to decide for anyone else walking around.
3. Leave mass transit out of it. Don't make me ever again have to explain to a curious child why we're being delayed for an unknown period of time for "police activity and investigation," and why the conductors are muttering about 'damned December" and "third this month." Okay? Okay.

/rant


Yes, once again someone decided to end it all via Metronorth, hiding under the overhang and throwing herself under the train as it came by. I was merely delayed a few hours, and put in the aforementioned position with a curious child. I can only imagine how the conductor feels, or the passengers waiting at the station, or those who happened to be looking out the window at the wrong time. I will light a candle for their peace of mind, as well as the family left behind.

Comments

[logrusboy.livejournal.com]

Three most excellent rules, none of which would be required if people would just exercise some common courtesy. Honestly, if you think the world's such a terrible place, why would you want to make it worse?

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

How awful. How dreadful.

The only good-out-of-horrible is that you probably helped spare that child a lot of trauma.

[fakefrenchie.livejournal.com]

Sorry you had to go through that.

[sfmarty.livejournal.com]

I am really not fond of December. Sorry you, and the others, had to go thru all of that.

[lagilman]

Most people, when they get to that point, seem to be in such pain, or such bleakness, they often can't believe that everyone isn't in the same place -- or are angry at people who aren't. Ether way, they're not really in a place where courtesy matters, except in a deeply ironic fashion.

[lagilman]

The only good-out-of-horrible is that you probably helped spare that child a lot of trauma.

I hope so. His mother had her hands full with his little sister, and he sort of glommed onto me as "nearest adult not pretending he didn't exist," so...

(his mother did ask me, after, if I was a therapist. This is not the frst time I've been asked that. I wonder if I missed a calling...[although editor=therapist often as not, lord knows])

[lagilman]

Oh, I was, as I said, merely inconvenienced and annoyed. And guilty for feeling only annoyed, but that's to be expected. But thanks.

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

I'm certain it was rough on you, but you did what was necessary and good, and judging from the mother's reaction, I'd say you did it well.

"Consequently, I rejoice, having to construct something upon which to rejoice."

[logrusboy.livejournal.com]

Fair enough. When I was there, I was going to break rule 1. I really shouldn't throw stones. But even at my worst, I would never have considered breaking 2 or 3. Guess I can leave most of my smug sense of superiority intact. :)

[windrose.livejournal.com]

What You Said.

[house-draven.livejournal.com]

Good on ya for taking the time and effort to talk to the child. As for the rest, all I can say is , "Me,too."

Just My 2 Cents

[otterdance.livejournal.com]

1. Call the cops and arrange for them find the scene. Nobody else.
2. Make the decision for yourself. You have no right to decide for anyone else walking around.
3. Leave mass transit out of it. Don't make me ever again have to explain to a curious child why we're being delayed for an unknown period of time for "police activity and investigation," and why the conductors are muttering about 'damned December" and "third this month." Okay? Okay.


It is an awful thing, and those would be lovely rules. I can empathize with your feelings, and am sorry that anyone has to witness such a thing.

But--- I went through a parent's mental collapse and suicide (please no 'sorry to hear that's. Appreciated, but I'm very much at peace with it now) step by step, almost every inch of the way, and have to say, from my experience, that anyone who is capable of seriously considering those rules, will probably not make a serious suicide attempt. Some do go to such lengths, but for many, a grasp on reality, good judgment, much less etiquette, has by then has been eroded by the pain of their mental disease. Imagine the state of mind that makes throwing yourself under a train preferable to seeking help. Even if help is available, they are too sick and lost in their own skewed reality to reach out for it, and even with loving support and extreme efforts by those close to them (barring serious hospitalization, and sometimes that's not even enough), if they want to do it, they will find a way.

A tragedy for anyone involved, strangers on a train included.

Now, suicide bombers? Whole different kettle of crazy. Don't get me started!

[otterdance.livejournal.com]

Compassion in action. You made three lives better through kindness. :-)

[debg.livejournal.com]

Well, when I mde that decision a long time ago, it was for myself. I wasn't thinking about who would find me; no one was supposed to, not for months. In fact it was pure fluke that someone came by who wasn't supposed to be there, and got me out, and I did not feel inclined to thank him for it, not for a long time.

However, mine involved a fifth of tequila, a tub of warm water, a razor blade, and the High Old Roman Way. I did not, you will notice, fling myself under an unrushing train, or off the Golden Gate Bridge (which was certainly handy). It seemed to me that my going was my business, not the six o'clock news'. Why I didn't simply hit the local bakery after I bought the tequila, and buy a nice pecan pie, was anyone's guess. It would have been put down to gluttony resulting in anaphylactic shock, and it wouldn't have lost me nearly four pints of blood, with silvery scars across my left wrist.

Oh - and it wasn't December. My urge for going had everything to do with a man who was gone and post-miscarriage hormones, and being a teenager. It was springtime, actually.

But boyoboyoboy, am I with you on December. And equally with everyone who thinks you spared that kid a shitload of trauma.

Re: Just My 2 Cents

[otterdance.livejournal.com]

addendum:

I didn't mean to imply that deeply suicidal people can't ever be saved. Treatments get better all the time. And I think doctors are less inclined than they used to be to just pat your hand and tell you to get a good night's sleep, or some fresh air.

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

Mmm. Ironic. And that's all the subtext I'll submit on that note. Since I was nearly steak tartare on the Paris Metro.

With regard to the holiday blahs, my partner died on Xmas Eve 02. My subsequent partner dumped me a week before Xmas 04. Last year, my current partner barely managed to chew his Xmas dinner after radio and chemotherapy.

This Christmas, I'm getting married. Because my current partner survived and sometimes, you have to kick life straight in the fucking slats.

[lagilman]

This Christmas, I'm getting married.

Mazel tov, or the Pagan variation thereof. I did tell you much better stuff waited, did I not?

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

And didn't I tell you the same?

[lagilman]

As indeed it does. Which is why it's worth hanging in there, IMO. Everything changes, and I regret nothing but the things I didn't have a chance to do.

(misquoting someone horribly, no doubt, but it's still a good philosophy, again IMO)

[burger-eater.livejournal.com]

My cousin drives trains in New Jersey, and the last time I spoke with him (years ago) he told me how much he hates people who throw themselves under trains. He said it was a horrible feeling to know he'd just driven over someone, his fault or not.

That stuff stayed with him for a long time.

Sorry you had to go through that.

I'm with the people who shout jump...

[zornhau.livejournal.com]

And would deploy tasers and a catcher net against the idiots who perch on bridges while the world stops around us.

[greeneyedkzin.livejournal.com]

Mazel tov, indeed. Many happy years!