This is a post entirely not about writing.

[lagilman]

So, a while ago, I said I was going to blog about The Thing That Happened A Few Weeks Ago. And then Life and deadlines and Kickstarter happened and ate my brain, and now it appears I have a Spring-onset cold. I also have Nyquil, beef broth & whisky. And Cary Grant on DVD. That cold doesn't stand a chance.

But That Thing is still sitting in my brain, wanting to be dealt with.

So. Here's a piece of life-learning from Auntie Practical Meerkat.

When you're trying to juggle the bits and pieces that make up life - personal and professional - sometimes you drop a bit or a piece. I did. I screwed up (it happens), and someone felt insulted by my actions or lack thereof.

It wasn't intentional, and when it was brought to my attention, I felt terrible, and apologized immediately.

[occasionally, I insult people intentionally. They get a very different response. And it's usually quite pointy.]

Based on the silence since then, my apology was not acceptable/not accepted. This person chose to be offended and insulted, and nothing I would do or say could change that.

This sucks, on several levels. Nobody wants to be the bad guy, especially when they didn't mean to be offensive. And this was someone I had hoped to build a better relationship with, not burn bridges.

So that rejection, coupled with my original screwup, dumped me into choppy emotional water. And like any true Virgo, once I begin to analyse, I can't stop the what-ifs and maybe-thens. For the next day or so I kept thinking "what could I have said, that would have made it better? What did that person want, that I didn't give? Was what I did so terrible that I can never be forgiven, ever, no matter how unintentional it was?"

And the answers were, respectively: probably nothing, possibly more than I am morally responsible for, and no, it wasn't.

(I've skirted that level, I've seen that level. This was just a screwup.)

And here's what, after those emotional capsizes, I remembered. If someone chooses not to accept an honest apology, there's nothing you or I can do to convince them otherwise. We can only control our own behavior.

There is a mantra I learned during therapy, when I was in my 30's and going through a metric load of emotional crap: When rebuked, consider the charge fully, and then either refute it, or accept it. Use the rebuke to look into your behavior and/or words, and do better, as and where needed. Then let go, and move forward.

Or, in shorter words: we can't fix things that want to be broken. Don't, in trying, let yourself get broken, too.

Comments

[alfreda89.livejournal.com]

Sympathies.

Sometimes people need their anger.

Virtual flowers for the sick meerkat.

Control

[kristi chadwick (from livejournal.com)]

Control is one of those pesky seemingly tangible word for an intangible act. It is so true we cannot control the actions or reactions of others, but we want to insure the best possible outcome. Thanks for the reminder it can happen, and not to immediately think that you failed somehow because of it.

[seachanges.livejournal.com]

Wise words. Thank you for sharing them.

[princejvstin.livejournal.com]

I'm not into astrology, myself...

But being a Libra near to the beginning of the month, I've been told I can have Virgo like traits. That cycle of analysis sounds exactly what I do, Laura. Scarily so. I know what you mean.

Much sympathies.

[jesskastar.livejournal.com]

+1

[badgermirlacca.livejournal.com]

There is also this: Sometimes, you realize you screwed up, and you apologize--but the person is not yet ready, emotionally, to accept it. If someone catches you off guard with something hurtful or offensive, some folks do have to adjust to the shock of it before they can handle an apology.

So don't give up on it yet. Let it chill for a while, and then try again, before giving up entirely.

[lagilman]

In general, perhaps.

In this case I don't see that three months or years is going to make a difference that three weeks didn't, considering the situation and the players.

And I'm not sure that "try again" is required of me. I apologized, and explained. Repeating myself is, well, simply repetition, and saying more would be taking on a responsibility above and beyond my actual actions. At that point, it's not about forgiveness, but power games.

[puppetmaker40.livejournal.com]

Sometimes things happen "off camera" that one doesn't know about that can make what may be an ill timed word or action much more to the other party than it might be otherwise.

I do, like you, go round and round on what-ifs and coulda but then I am also a Virgo.

This gave me some things to think about it.

Re: Control

[lagilman]

Control, I've decided, is a mesh net cast over butterflies. If you weave it too tightly, or too heavily, you crush the butterflies.

Not a perfect analogy, no, but it's a good visual reminder, I think.

[jamileigh17.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. I wish I could give that lesson to my younger self, as I had to learn it through some helluva knocks. Along with "Try not to swallow your foot when you stick it in your mouth", and "Observe impassively before making judgements". That would have saved about 20 dramas over the course of about 5 years.
*hugs* Feel better!

[damiana-swan.livejournal.com]

*virtual hugs*

It sounds like the person in question either isn't ready to stop being mad, or they wanted a more thorough or specific kind of apology and are mad or feeling hurt because they didn't get it, but aren't willing to actually, you know, *tell* you what they want. After all, you might say no.

I'd say, let there be some space and allow things to rest between you for a while; chances are reasonably good that they'll get past whatever it is eventually and will be willing to talk or at least be civil if you happen to run into each other.

(Why no, that isn't experience talking at ALL, why do you ask?)

[eleyan.livejournal.com]

You are dealing with a bad experience in what may be the best way. "...we can't fix things that want to be broken. Don't, in trying, let yourself get broken, too." is the most succinct and exact expression I have ever seen of the reason I stopped, after ten years, working as a psychologist. Thank you.

[mtlawson.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing, even though it was difficult to do so.

I don't suppose I'll ever think of you as Auntie Practical Meerkat --especially since we're about the same age-- but the term did give me a smile.

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the apology takes time to be properly accepted. There are some people who, when they feel hurt, can't just drop that hurt. But given time, they do eventually get over the sulk and settle down again.

I know because I can be one of those people.

Perhaps this person is too.

If so, there's still nothing you can do apart from being pleasant when you encounter them, and I'm sure you'd be doing that anyway.

-- *** --

Meanwhile, when you're packing, do you have a HB set of Vineart, and room to carry it?

[lagilman]

Sometimes the apology takes time to be properly accepted.

Everyone who is pointing this out has, indeed, a point. However, it feels like you're attempting to undercut the point I was making: if an apology is offered and ignored or rejected, then chasing after that person trying to "make it right" is not going to change anything- all you're doing is trying to fix something that wants to be broken (either now, or forever).

There is no point to that and it is, in fact, self-damaging. Pushing yourself to "fix it" if you're not what's broken is both hubris (we can't 'fix' other people) and potentially playing into someone else's head games.

As for waiting... someone who takes too long to accept an honest apology may find, when they are finally ready to forgive that person, that the world has moved on and the person being offered it no longer cares. Because why the hell would you leave that splinter in your heart, waiting, while it festered?

[lagilman]

and yes, it's sitting there on top of the suitcase, mocking me.

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

I wasn't trying to undercut it — if it came across like that, my apologies for my callowness.

I wouldn't suggest you do any chasing: you've done what you can already, and it's up to the other person whether it will heal over or not. And I certainly wouldn't recommend any form of hopeful waiting, because even if they do get over themselves, it could be months or years.

I think you're already doing the right thing*. Trying to invest anything more in this would be stupid, particularly as there's only a chance that they're the long sulker type.

[*] Which shouldn't be a surprise - you've had much longer to think this over than a random commenter on the web.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

I find it very hard to let this kind of thing go. Best wishes.

[lagilman]

I find it very hard to let this kind of thing go

Being insulted, or not having an apology accepted?

[bellinghman.livejournal.com]

Woohoo. We shall be Making Arrangements.

[http://users.livejournal.com/la_marquise_de_/]

Both, alas. I am not forgiving, and I bear grudges. I am such a bad person.

[lagilman]

I dislike the word "bad" in this context, as being annoyed at someone who harms you is hardly a "bad" thing.

It is, though, I've found, an exhausting thing to maintain. Grudges aren't maintenance-free.

[irishkate.livejournal.com]

Been there, done that - walked away knowing they would never speak to me again. Changed the lock on my LJ to point out to people that sometime I speak without thinking of the other meanings of what I'm saying so yes, people get offended/hurt. My real friends are the ones who point out that I maybe did not mean what I just said and would I like to rephrase...

Usually they are right. I, of course, am never wrong but can, from time to time, misspeak.

[irishkate.livejournal.com]

PS
what I also wanted to say was **hugs**

[mevennen.livejournal.com]

>When rebuked, consider the charge fully, and then either refute it, or accept it. Use the rebuke to look into your behavior and/or words, and do better, as and where needed. Then let go, and move >forward.

This is really sound advice, I think. I am usually prepared to hold my hand up if I've been an asshole. I hope!

There are a handful of cases in which I'm not prepared to forgive and will hold a grudge - but in the cases I'm thinking of, which are all business-related and local to Glastonbury, the person's behaviour has been such to render an apology meaningless. IMO, these are all people on the personality disorder spectrum and in one particular case, drugs are a factor. In other cases, where someone has just made a mistake, I'd just accept the apology and move forward.